Afraid

For the longest time, I have complained about being unhappy with my life. I have told everyone that I might be doomed to be miserable forever. I made myself believe that whatever I was going through was fate’s doing. For the longest time, I believed these to be true. That is, until now.

I was talking with a friend a while ago. She made me realize the lie I have living for almost my entire life. She made me see that I am unhappy, not because fate won’t let me be. Rather, it was because of my own doing. I am unhappy because—I am AFRAID to be happy.

I have always wished for happiness to come my way. I really prayed hard for it. But it is only now that I realize that my wishes did come true. It is only now that I realize that God did grant my prayers after all. Yet, all these time, I failed to see it. I was too blinded by fear. Hence, every time happiness tries to creep into my heart, I locked myself up and pushed it away. Subconsciously, I have told myself that I don’t deserve to be happy…that I’ll be better off being miserable. And so I was.

Once in my life, I managed to push away any negative thoughts. I allowed myself to be happy. Looking back, I can’t remember any other time I was happier than that. But eventually, fear found its way back to my heart. And I was so stupid for letting it back in. It successfully made my life miserable once more. And there’s no one else to blame but me.

I know that there are still a lot of chances for me to be happy. I can’t be sure exactly when or how it will come. But I’m certain it will. I just hope that when the opportunity finally arrives, I’ll get to grab it and allow myself to be happy one more time.

And at that time, I hope that fear won’t get the better of me again.